The memory appeared on my Facebook profile from 10 years ago. It was from a time when I had two children and struggled to find a balance between juggling children and dreaming of being more than “just a mother”.
It’s funny how only a few years can change. At that time, I would become irritable at even the smallest things. I was a young woman and a new mother. I had dreams … BIG DREAMS. But I also had small children – a baby and a small child, to be precise.
It’s true that we all start the same, but a few years later our journey is so different.
When we have small children, our big dreams seem so far away.
It seems impossible to remember that one day our children will grow up and we will have all the time in the world.
Back in 2010, I had a three-year-old son and a 12-month-old baby. My life was busier then than it is now.
I was always tired. The only thing that kept on my mind was the fact that my university degree was wasted. I wanted to get a doctorate – it was a dream for me.
Every day after the kids went to bed, I searched the internet looking for the names and addresses of universities near me – wherever I could apply. I would browse through Facebook, a little envious of my friends who do great things while I was just “just changing diapers”.
I told myself I hated being a woman staying home. The dishes were never baked. There was always laundry. The bathrooms were dirty … I hated that the job was never done!
But I loved my babies. I would work late into the night, and then I would wake up with the baby calling me at dawn. I would open my eyes to see her grinning at me, blabbering on – telling me she was excited to get up.
All my dreams from the night before would fade at the sight of her bright face. Slowly my little boy would wake up and then start a ‘routine’.
Babies would jump on Dad while I was making breakfast. We would send him and clean up together. I would make a bed (making sure to swing the sheet in the air too many times) just to hear my children laugh.
I would fold my clothes … and they would pull it all out. It would take 2-3 tries before both babies get together and lock themselves in the crib, so I would put things in them.
I would cook … they would empty my drawers or open and close cupboards.
Or there would be silence … if only I would run outside and find them sitting quietly in a pile of toys … chewing TISSUES!
We would do the laundry. My son and I would separate the clothes – white, black, colored – while Zuzu emptied the basket or crawled to mix the piles. My son scolded her sister … I asked them to agree.
Then she disappeared. My daughter died in a medical accident.
Children grow up. Only memories remain …
If I could go back in time and say something to the person I was then, I would say:
“And this will pass. Hold on to these moments because you blink and it’s gone. Your kids will give you time to make your dreams come true, but now they need you to play with them. It’s hard now, but it will be easy soon. “
Life with small children is difficult
In 2010, when I had two children, every day was hard. I felt like life was moving at a snail’s pace. I felt upset and angry that I stayed in my place. I felt that my children were too small and that they depended on me. It kept me awake at night thinking my life was going nowhere. But you know what …? My life was moving. It really was.
Just as a butterfly must be in a cocoon, I built wings.
Isn’t it funny how we mothers, when our children are small, always say: “When the kids grow up, I’ll …“Or”I can’t wait for my children to grow up so I can…“But when the kids grow up, we say” When the kids were little, we were …”
Today I am grateful that in the one year I spent with her I did everything a mother could do for her child.
My camera was always charged and ready to record everything it did. I took her to distant places and let her enjoy the world.
I read her funny books and let her write in my diaries.
I made her homemade food and homemade tray …
We did everything we could in a year …
10 years have passed. After her I had two more children. My oldest is 13 years old. The youngest is 7 years old. I have my job today. Then I had big dreams and small children. I now have big kids and a successful online business that I built from home, playing with my kids.
Did you hear that song:“If I had to raise my children again …”? It’s my favorite song I read long before I had kids.
Dear mother with small children,
It’s good to have dreams. Dream BIG dreams while you have small children. Let that spark stay alive. Think about it, nurture it and warm it up with love for your children, but also keep faith when things seem to be going slowly. Very soon your babies will be bigger. You will have more time available.
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